Rethinking Life

Synopsis of blog below: I thought I was healed. Read former entries for details. Then I started stressing out about bills and where I was going to get funding for next year. This has resulted in a complete overhaul of my lifestyle.

It all started again when I went to a music rehearsal with some fantastic tembang singers (an awesome genre of music, coming soon to a city near you!) who are embarking on a tour through North American. Now, the rehearsal was scheduled to start at four, but typically, nothing actually got started until after 9pm. Indonesia sometimes outdoes itself… I chatted the time away, and scheduled appointments with all the people that I had wanted to visit in the last month, but had been ill. The rehearsal was ok, and I got to practice singing a lot myself. By the time I got home, it was midnight.

Armed with my new phone card, I called my mom. Then I called my advisor in Pittsburgh. Could he write me a letter of recommendation for a grant, due March 1, 2007? He agreed, and seemed consolatory about my stories of diseases. I called every credit card company to which I owed money. This made me unhappy. I went to bed tossing and turning, wondering how I was going to get everything done and pay all my bills. I contemplated getting a job. When I woke up, I couldn’t speak. I had somehow gotten a cold, “masuk angin” as they call it hear. I cancelled my plans for the day, and Ibu Laksmi insisted I go to the doctor. I agreed, but in my heart, I was sure that it was just a minor cold, and that it would be better if I just slept the day away.

Doctors, being the loveable people that they are, always say what you least want to hear. The cold had weakened my immune system, and now I was both hepatitis and typhoid positive again. They were also worried that I’d been taken off the antibiotics too quickly and now I might have an infection, I think in my gall bladder. They ask me if I wanted to stay at their home as their personal patient—for a minimum of two more weeks! (They’re a married couple, both doctors, and related to Pak Muharam). I said thank you very much, but if all I have to do is lie and bed, self-medicate myself three times a day, and stare at the wall again for two weeks, I’d rather do it at home in my own bed.

Now, the first thing that went through my head was…but I have a deadline at the end of this week! I need to work on my proposal! I’ve already lost so much time being sick. But it quickly became clear that bedrest did not entail going to an internet café, so I was left feeling guilty that I had just promised my advisor one thing and now couldn’t follow up on it. Nor could I even let him know until my condition improved slightly.

Life returned to being very boring. My diet was once more restricted to chicken soup-flavored mushy rice. I postponed all my appointments again. After a week, I went back to the doctor for a check-up. We talked for several hours about what the effects of each problem I had, and the dos and don’ts associated with my condition. The one that hit home the most was the gastric ulcers. Apparently, that little ball of stress that I always carry around with me and store as a knot in my stomach, is not just a reminder that I have a lot of things to do. It’s really untreated chronic ulcers. Now that I’m aware of what they feel like, I think I’ve had them for over a year. Up until this point, I’ll feel that tightness and think, what is that about? What should I be doing that I’m not? And then I get totally stressed out about that, but the real problem is that my stomach is hungry, or that my diet was wrong, and my gastric juices start flowing and creating sores on my stomach. So, this has led me to rethink my lifestyle.

1) First of all, I am addicted to Pepsi. Hmmm…Let’s put that aside for the moment, because I’m not sure I’m willing to give that up.
2) Second of all, there is nothing in life that cannot be changed. Sometimes life has plans for us that are different than what we have arranged, so always expect things to take a different route than what we imagine. Five years ago, I hadn’t even imagined myself in graduate school, let alone in Indonesia! Heck, I didn’t even know where Indonesia was!
3) Replaces feelings of stress with calm. A stressed person means a sick body. A healthy body follows a healthy mind. It’s all very scientific.
4) Strive for perfection, but if you don’t achieve it, and you won’t, relax. There is always tomorrow for improvements.
5) Don’t try to cram all your research and learning into a short time. Rome wasn’t built in a day.
6) It’s good to think of how other people feel, but don’t be empathetic to excess. For example, if you have an appointment with someone, but you’re sick, they’ll understand if you have to cancel. There’s a difference between disappointing someone deeply and causing them a minor inconvenience in their plans.
7) Health first! Work only comes second to being able to carry out your job effectively, with a healthy body.
8) Eat regularly, don’t skip meals, and snack in between if you’re hungry.

I also lost a lot of weight. I’m only 84 pounds now. That’s back to high school days! So, put that weight back on! I’m striving for 92.